Can't help but wonder...

Yesterday, my dad told me that his first cousin Roy (we were both named for Daddy's grandfather) killed himself in his bathroom. His mother had done the exact same thing when he was a kid, and he had a lot of emotional problems, probably stemming from that. At the last family reunion, he confided in my dad that he had stopped taking all his anti-depressants in order to stop gaining weight. Anyway, he and his wife were having a lot of problems, and... he did it. He had a ten-year-old son who is going to come of age without his father. That's depressing and I feel bad for his family. That's one hand...

On the other hand... and I feel terrible about this... but I feel a huge sense of relief. It sounds bad, but allow me to explain. In February of 1999, I went into our bathroom and did the same thing. My dad came home early from work and found me. But that's not the weird part. It wasn't my dad who saved me, it was God. I felt it. It's too much to go into, and I doubt anyone would believe me anyway, but... when that happened, I decided to turn my life around. I had one slip-up in 2001 when I tried to kill myself again, but once again it was foiled. I've been solid since then, but the thought lurks. All part of being mentally "unstable," I guess.

Anyway, I don't think it's a coincidence at all. I fully believe in signs from a higher power. I feel guilty about it, but I think Roy's suicide... it's like that part of me died. I didn't know him on a personal level, and I can't even call his face to mind... but I'm going to his funeral. It feels like the right thing to do, for me to say goodbye to a chapter of my life, and also to talk to his family about the reasons a person might do that. I can offer condolences as well.

As I said, I don't think it's a coincidence, not that we share a namesake or that we chose the same means of suicide, nor do I think it's a coincidence that this happened at THIS stage in my life. I decided to get my learner's permit and get my dad to teach me to drive. (The suicide also made me think about how he must have felt in 99, and I'm going to make up for it by bonding with him a little more.)

I'm also going to stop living up to everyone else's expectations and do what I've always wanted to do. I've always wanted to go to USCA because of their writing program, and that's what I'll do, even if it means living on-campus in Aiken or driving there daily, like Ashleah does now. Ashleah wants to go to school in Savannah or North Georgia so that she can get a teaching certificate. I'm not going to stand in the way of that, nor am I going to let it take control of what I need to do for myself, even though I'd LOVE to move to Savannah.

I know God works in mysterious ways... and I think this is an example. But I can't shake this twinge of guilt about how I'm almost celebrating someone else's hardships. I guess it's all part of the learning process, how I'm supposed to start being more independent and stop trying to live for others.